Well now isn't that special?
Oh how I miss Church Lady...
I guess there are a lot of things that I miss these days, specifically a partner. In this case, my soon-to-be-ex. It's not so much that I miss her, but the companionship. Our relationship has been over for a long time now, it was Nov 2003 when she moved out. But I think for a couple of years before that things really started to slide. It's really too bad. I guess there were a lot of things either of us could have done, but didn't for a litany of reasons. She was my second "real girlfriend", I knew I was going to marry her. But marrying so young was probably our biggest mistake. Neither of us really grew up and developed identities of our own. We were kids playing adults really. Sure, we were old enough, but in hindsight we were still kids playing house. Trying to live as adults while growing up; it's not an easy thing to do. I think that had we waited to get married or live together, accomplished things for ourselves, discovered ourselves that we would have been more able to handle life as a adult couple. As it was, we had to grow up fast, and we didn't necessarily grow up "right". We did what we had to, not always for the right reasons, not always the right way. Having kids at the same time didn't make things any easier on us. I was at work a lot. Sometimes two, two and a half jobs. She was at home with the kids, sometimes watching other kids, sometimes working. I think it ended up that we were two people living different lives in the same house. We grew apart. I was off traveling the country speaking and visiting, working not only at the shop but also at home. I was getting phone calls or emails from South Africa, Singapore, Australia or from around the US and Canada. I was getting phone calls at home from work at all hours, working on weekends, going back to work after 10 hours to fix a server. She was dealing with doctors, bills, school(s), setting schedules, cleaning and cooking, sick kids and the rest of it. Not to mention taking care of herself. We just ended up not having enough time for each other. I guess she ended up really resenting me; I'm only speculating. Eventually we were as I said living separate lives. And eventually that led her to a relationship with someone else and her filing for divorce. And almost 18 months later here we are and now I'm dealing with all those things myself, along with work. It can be truely overwhelming. Especially dealing with the emotional toll it has taken on my kids, I haven't really had to much time to work on the toll it's taken on me. I'm not worried about the toll it's taken on her, she made her choices. See below about my thoughts on regrets and choices.
There are probably things I should regret, but I find myself not regretting any of it. I would not be the person I am, I would not have the kids that I do. I can't imagine things any different than they are. I don't think that wishing "I should have done this or that" is all that helpful. I think that reflecting and thinking "I should have done this or that" is better. What's the difference? One is wishing, the other is cognitive thought about choices, reflection and accepting choices as they are. I've made mistakes, plenty of them, and I accept them and their consequences. Anything else is a fools errand I think. You make your choice, you deal with the consequences good, bad or indifferent. Remember two things, "Proper Previous Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance" (the 7 P's of life) and: "I can do it right, or I can do it twice". In the case of my marriage, I didn't follow either. If there's a second time around I hope to follow my own advice...
Now on to bigger and better things. These near 14 years are part of me, they define "me". As this volume, not chapter, of my life closes, I begin a new one. Things are looking "bright" to use a euphemism. Career wise, things are not going as well as I had hoped. I had hoped to have a "real job" by now. But this independence of being a consultant is quite enjoyable. It is much tougher, no steady pay check, but ultimately rewarding. I get to be home with my kids much more often. The "brand equity" I have established over the past 8 years is really beginning to pay off. I'm getting phone calls and emails from all over still, but now people are willing to pay for my knowledge and experience. The income potential is huge. I think the best part of this is the relationships I've developed with people and companies, mostly people though. When I'm off training or consulting it's really gratifying to see that light bulb go on when someone really "gets" something. That kind of intimate experience is really what it's all about, the travel is bonus, the pay is bonus. I've been very lucky that I've worked with people who are hungry for knowledge. Not that I have all the answers, but maybe I have a few of them. And they listen, they give me feedback, I give them feedback. There's nothing like that kind of interaction. Over the months I've run into three "tough nuts" that I've had to crack. The first one, I never thought I'd get their nod of approval. Then I got a "atta-boy" and I broke through. The other ones, I hadn't had any foreknowledge about at all (I at least had a warning about the first). After a day of interaction I was the talk of the office because I seemed to have broken through. And that's great, I love that!
I've got several exciting opportunities in front of me. One of them is what I would call a "long term" IT deal, and I've got two ongoing training/consulting projects. Besides those, which are time consuming enough and exciting in their own right, I'm working with some very highly respected people on a very exciting project. What I would call a "cutting edge" project. A project that will have a real impact on the industry at large, even if the projects impact isn't fully realized. It's not really a "paradigm shift", but more of an epiphany of sorts. What you could call "a realization of the obvious that is often overlooked and misunderstood".
I seem to have strengthend several relationships with some key developers. This is really exciting. Some of the technologies these developers have are very exciting. I really think that all of the developers I work with have best of breed technologies or very cutting edge technologies. I'm not satisfied to work with tools, read technologies and processes, that are "cool". I want to work with tools that rock you back on your heels and make you say "I didn't know that could be done" or a simple but powerful "wow".
Other things haven't gone so well with some professional relationships. It seems that recently I might have burned a bridge with a most valuable partner. They know who they are. Unfortunately the last two projects haven't gone as planned. I've had a very positive, mutually beneficial relationship with them for years. I sincerely hope that the relationship can be salvaged along with my credibility with them. I thoroughly enjoy working with them and would be greatly saddened to see it dimminished in any way.
I guess there are a lot of things that I miss these days, specifically a partner. In this case, my soon-to-be-ex. It's not so much that I miss her, but the companionship. Our relationship has been over for a long time now, it was Nov 2003 when she moved out. But I think for a couple of years before that things really started to slide. It's really too bad. I guess there were a lot of things either of us could have done, but didn't for a litany of reasons. She was my second "real girlfriend", I knew I was going to marry her. But marrying so young was probably our biggest mistake. Neither of us really grew up and developed identities of our own. We were kids playing adults really. Sure, we were old enough, but in hindsight we were still kids playing house. Trying to live as adults while growing up; it's not an easy thing to do. I think that had we waited to get married or live together, accomplished things for ourselves, discovered ourselves that we would have been more able to handle life as a adult couple. As it was, we had to grow up fast, and we didn't necessarily grow up "right". We did what we had to, not always for the right reasons, not always the right way. Having kids at the same time didn't make things any easier on us. I was at work a lot. Sometimes two, two and a half jobs. She was at home with the kids, sometimes watching other kids, sometimes working. I think it ended up that we were two people living different lives in the same house. We grew apart. I was off traveling the country speaking and visiting, working not only at the shop but also at home. I was getting phone calls or emails from South Africa, Singapore, Australia or from around the US and Canada. I was getting phone calls at home from work at all hours, working on weekends, going back to work after 10 hours to fix a server. She was dealing with doctors, bills, school(s), setting schedules, cleaning and cooking, sick kids and the rest of it. Not to mention taking care of herself. We just ended up not having enough time for each other. I guess she ended up really resenting me; I'm only speculating. Eventually we were as I said living separate lives. And eventually that led her to a relationship with someone else and her filing for divorce. And almost 18 months later here we are and now I'm dealing with all those things myself, along with work. It can be truely overwhelming. Especially dealing with the emotional toll it has taken on my kids, I haven't really had to much time to work on the toll it's taken on me. I'm not worried about the toll it's taken on her, she made her choices. See below about my thoughts on regrets and choices.
There are probably things I should regret, but I find myself not regretting any of it. I would not be the person I am, I would not have the kids that I do. I can't imagine things any different than they are. I don't think that wishing "I should have done this or that" is all that helpful. I think that reflecting and thinking "I should have done this or that" is better. What's the difference? One is wishing, the other is cognitive thought about choices, reflection and accepting choices as they are. I've made mistakes, plenty of them, and I accept them and their consequences. Anything else is a fools errand I think. You make your choice, you deal with the consequences good, bad or indifferent. Remember two things, "Proper Previous Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance" (the 7 P's of life) and: "I can do it right, or I can do it twice". In the case of my marriage, I didn't follow either. If there's a second time around I hope to follow my own advice...
Now on to bigger and better things. These near 14 years are part of me, they define "me". As this volume, not chapter, of my life closes, I begin a new one. Things are looking "bright" to use a euphemism. Career wise, things are not going as well as I had hoped. I had hoped to have a "real job" by now. But this independence of being a consultant is quite enjoyable. It is much tougher, no steady pay check, but ultimately rewarding. I get to be home with my kids much more often. The "brand equity" I have established over the past 8 years is really beginning to pay off. I'm getting phone calls and emails from all over still, but now people are willing to pay for my knowledge and experience. The income potential is huge. I think the best part of this is the relationships I've developed with people and companies, mostly people though. When I'm off training or consulting it's really gratifying to see that light bulb go on when someone really "gets" something. That kind of intimate experience is really what it's all about, the travel is bonus, the pay is bonus. I've been very lucky that I've worked with people who are hungry for knowledge. Not that I have all the answers, but maybe I have a few of them. And they listen, they give me feedback, I give them feedback. There's nothing like that kind of interaction. Over the months I've run into three "tough nuts" that I've had to crack. The first one, I never thought I'd get their nod of approval. Then I got a "atta-boy" and I broke through. The other ones, I hadn't had any foreknowledge about at all (I at least had a warning about the first). After a day of interaction I was the talk of the office because I seemed to have broken through. And that's great, I love that!
I've got several exciting opportunities in front of me. One of them is what I would call a "long term" IT deal, and I've got two ongoing training/consulting projects. Besides those, which are time consuming enough and exciting in their own right, I'm working with some very highly respected people on a very exciting project. What I would call a "cutting edge" project. A project that will have a real impact on the industry at large, even if the projects impact isn't fully realized. It's not really a "paradigm shift", but more of an epiphany of sorts. What you could call "a realization of the obvious that is often overlooked and misunderstood".
I seem to have strengthend several relationships with some key developers. This is really exciting. Some of the technologies these developers have are very exciting. I really think that all of the developers I work with have best of breed technologies or very cutting edge technologies. I'm not satisfied to work with tools, read technologies and processes, that are "cool". I want to work with tools that rock you back on your heels and make you say "I didn't know that could be done" or a simple but powerful "wow".
Other things haven't gone so well with some professional relationships. It seems that recently I might have burned a bridge with a most valuable partner. They know who they are. Unfortunately the last two projects haven't gone as planned. I've had a very positive, mutually beneficial relationship with them for years. I sincerely hope that the relationship can be salvaged along with my credibility with them. I thoroughly enjoy working with them and would be greatly saddened to see it dimminished in any way.
posted by Matt Beals at Sunday, April 24, 2005
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